A Modern Proposal

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To absolve America of the burden the poor and uninsured place on the masses while improving the national situation and making good use of the same useless souls.

Whenever I turn on the news, the sights and sounds fill my senses with woe. To see many a person without healthcare, or without enough, all dragging our nation down by not being able to sufficiently contribute to the wealth of our country, tears at my very soul. If only some kind being were to devise a plan by which our nation could rid itself of such a burden as these the poorest of our society.

Thus it has come to my attention that many concerns have arisen recently related to the matter of health care in our fair nation. A multitude of problems concerning the general public including matters of overly expensive treatment, insufficient insurance coverage, insurance for profit instead of the population's general well being, too much paperwork, bureaucracy, and administrative jargon, poor recordkeeping strategies, too few clinicians, too few choices for care, an inflexible insurance system, and overtly ridiculous, boisterous, and ineffective political parties and elected government officials of all kinds.

Obviously, such a system cannot remain, less it destroy not only our health but empty our pocketbooks and scramble our sanity, and therefore a new method would prove prudent in providing insurance to the masses. Such being said, I now venture to make a modern proposal concerning the healthcare system in our country. I have received word, from a trustworthy South American currently living in our nation, that, in order to solve the majority of our problems concerning health care, poverty, immigration, and national wellbeing, some touched government official should introduce a sufficient supply of a deadly chemical into the national drinking water systems which the effects of could only be nullified by way of a different chemical available only to those with sufficient health care to sustain them through any moderate ailment.

As the lives of our own poor, uninsured, and lower class citizens are worth little more than the lives of immigrants or the unborn fetus, the generally morale soul should have no qualms over such a proposal. The multitude of corpses resulting from said method should prove sufficient to feed much of third world Africa and South America-thus of course one of my source's motives in such a proposition-after issuing to the corpses a dose of the same chemical issued the insured.

Such a solution may prove necessary to absolve an abundance of national problems, in addition to international hunger. It would solve poverty ridding us of those who cannot afford the antidote. Thus, beggars would no longer crowd street corners or unnecessarily waste the resources of the wealthy by way of homeless shelters, food and clothing drives, and thrift stores. The poor would no longer be able to buy a multitude of dark economic goods and services such as illegal drugs, guns for defense and gang activity, and abortions.

The decrease in illegal drug activity would hurt markets such as that which deal in the opium crop, thereby challenging the opposition parties of nations such as Afghanistan which receive much of their income through drug sales in our nation. Gun activity, and thus homicide, robberies, and the other violent crimes, would decrease, rendering our nation safer for the wealthy of our country. Finally, abortions would decrease because those who cannot afford sexual preventative medicines would no longer be alive to become pregnant or attend a clinical session for an abortion. All of the aforementioned would also ensure that our hospitals became less crowded and wait times at the same hospitals far shorter.

Unemployment rates would drop sufficiently because much of our population receives health care from their employers, thereby rendering the unemployed helpless. Complaints would drop sharply and the economy would improve because the government will no longer have to support the underclass and can then transfer those monetary funds toward a more important cause in our society, such as the multi-billion dollar pornography industry or the multi-million dollar political campaign trails. An environment with fewer unemployed and lower class workers is also one in which primarily those who pay taxes, rather than those receiving refunds from the government, survive. Thus the refunds, which would otherwise be taken away from our nation's revenues, can then be transferred to similar worthy causes.

The ratio of our nation's college graduates would drastically increase, hence the simultaneous increase in the average salary. Once again, our country would climb high into the ranks of most technological countries, lowest infant mortality rates, greatest gross domestic products, least national debts, strongest currencies, most successful nations, longest average lifespan, most sexually active, most sexually attractive, fewest marriages, and fewest immigrants, all of which would prove beneficial to our nation.

America would thereby also solve the immigration problem. Who in their right mind want to come to a country where even the average person doesn't have health care? The immigrants currently in America would die at an astounding rate, and those attempting to cross the border may very well return to their own homes or remain in a nation such as Cuba or Mexico which are currently far better off than our own fair land. The unemployment rate would then drop, wages of menial tasks would rise, and those few who do not have jobs yet have health care would find work where none formerly existed.

But what, you ask, about those who are lower-class citizens who do have health care, or a job, or both, and are scraping by but nonetheless remain alive after the poisoning? Let us employ the many those same people along with blue-collar workers currently out of business. The numbers are high for blue-collar workers, but as many of them receive a large percentage of their salaries even as unemployed workers, many will survive. But without jobs, they will be in need of work indeed. With less demand for many low-paying jobs, wages will rise again and one may well see blue-collared workers setting to the grill in a local fast food joint. Even with millions of positions open from the poisoning, they would quickly fill in response to the fluctuation, and ensuring that every sort of job in our nation remains filled to the necessary capacity.

One might realize that modern society is educated, no matter the class, and would never succumb to such a proposition. True, but such does not mean that anyone in the lower classes has time to educate themselves further. In order to establish such a new culture in our society, our Congress must first pass and our President must sign such a bill. Convincing our governing body should not prove difficult considering none of our representatives have received, or indeed have been able to hear any legitimate argument between all the yelling and bickering of constituents and representatives, and as such now appears before them in written form, they may actually achieve something. Once convinced, simply allow the Congress to pass through its generic system of bill development.

The result will be a bill several hundred pages long like many others which, once passed, will only be read by those wealthy enough to afford the time to read the entire document. The government should then issue each citizen of voting age an unabridged copy of the bill. So the wealthy will, in their inability to do anything else useful, read through the document and prepare themselves for the poisoning of their water while attempting to secure health insurance for their servants and desired employees. The poor, meanwhile, will realize that they do not have the time to read such a document amidst anywhere from two to four jobs, and instead will use the document as toilet paper for lack of the funds to buy any in these dire times.

With that, our nation will find itself with precisely the body everyone wishes for as part of the American dream: a wealthy nation, all with a job, all remaining covered by previously attained health care, no further unnecessary expenses, and fewer poor and needy souls than the likes of our great country has ever witnessed.

It is unlikely, though theoretically plausible, that some immoral soul should present the argument that our government would be killing off many a good person, to which I'd answer that they were out of their mind and should ask the government's opinion on the matter. This would keep them in waiting for a response for so long that one would never again need worry about being disturbed by such a fool as thinks of immigrants, the poor, the unemployed, and the uninsured as people! What nonsense! Who in their right mind would find it necessary to create a concise, effective bill to support the impoverished and the dying? Such a concept would ruin this brilliant plan and the newly rising nation I see on the horizon. It is completely irrelevant to our current situation and dreams for this soon-to-be magnificent country.

However, as implausible as it seems, one would be foolish not to carefully assess the opponent's views and see what knowledge they can gain from such a proposal, hence why I'd now like to detail an opponent's plan. This source, from a prominent insurance company in the Middle East, suggests that the American government buy out one of the most prominent insurance companies in America. The government would then reduce the amount of bureaucracy within the corporation-cum-agency and use the existing infrastructure to minimize the costs of health care for current patients. After normalizing the salaries of CEO and similar officials of the company (likely by replacing them with willing participants in the new agency), larger funds and opportunities would become available for the agency.

This would allow the company to decrease insurance prices, increase coverage, and even take on new "customers." Because competitors would then find themselves head to head with the American government's low insurance prices, high coverage, and deficits and government funds if necessary, the competitors would lower prices, increase coverage, and attempt to band together to with pharmaceutical companies and the like through vertical integration to minimize costs. The result, permanently cheaper health care because the government, not required to turn out any profit, could always provide the service for citizens if the insurance company's coverage became undesirable in any way. The companies, still desiring to compete, would comply to the largest available capacity.

Of course, such a proposition is absurd! No soul cares about the poor and uninsured anyway. But even if one did care, where would the government find the funds for such a buy out when they are already so far in debt? Who would willingly submit to a government program when the government is so unreliable? And who would submit to an insurance company when they are so flippant and unhelpful? My source argues that both would become far more reliable under such circumstances, but I'm not convinced any such program would ever work. Ultimately, my source mentions that the specific program doesn't matter, but instead that, no matter the cost, the American people begin to love their fellow Americans through coverage for everyone.

He argues that as brothers and sisters they should care for everyone, even if it means that the middle-and even lower class-submit to paying into the plan. Better to pay in and know that you helped both yourself and others in need than to be greedy about the little you have and find that you're dying of no treatment shortly thereafter. I must confess that I am unable to comprehend why anyone would love such a raucous group or embrace such a program, but in my attempt to grow wiser I am still willing to examine such a proposition. After all, if wisdom alone ran our nation our problems would become far fewer.

I must mention that I have no specific use for any such progressions as I recommend for I have never been sick a day in my life, let alone my wife and three children. We are in perfect health and never deal with such dilemmas despite having insurance. I may not sympathize with the underclass of our nation, but I certainly understand the importance of insuring every American we intend to keep alive. Therefore, I will not benefit in any such way as my coverage is sufficient to allow my family to survive any like actions as those stated above.

John Swift

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