So it’s with us, or not, as the
case may be. I refer, of course, to
Swine Flu, and all the doom laden experts have been queuing up in the Press and
the Media to predict the end of the world as we know it. Pandemic is a word tossed lightly around, and
it’s coming to a neighbourhood near you! Professors of dubious provenance, as dry as sea biscuits and whose sense
of humour was surgically removed when they collected their PHD, drone on interminably
about Armageddon, it’s very depressing stuff.
I blame Mexico, where
it all started. There they have ‘swine’
not pigs, a subtle difference perhaps, but a difference nonetheless.
My family and close friends tell
me I’m like a fine wine, I don’t travel well, but if I were to foray into
foreign parts, I doubt if Mexico
would be high on my list. Even getting
there augers ill. The national airline
of Mexico,
I forget the name, but it’s probably Mexicair, is running a very curious
advertisement in the national press. There’s a picture of two passengers, presumably in business class, as
their knees aren’t tucked under their chins, staring with rictus grins at a
plastic tray containing the chef’s special. If ever a meal were designed to attract an immediate dose of Swine Flu,
this is it. And to make matters worse,
not a drink in sight!
Mexico
is rapidly turning into the Benidorm of the Americas, attracting the Great
Unwashed in search of sun, sea, sand, sex, sombreros and sangria, and all at
rock bottom prices. The economy seems to
be rooted in the drugs trade, with campesinos being swatted like flies in
violent turf wars by rival ‘barons’ vying with each other for control of the
market. The police in Mexico City have the unenviable reputation of
being the most corrupt police force in the world, and that’s saying something,
and the politicians are not much better. I suspect it has something to do with the heat, the flies and the food.
To beat the remorseless spread of
Swine Flu, we are being enjoined to observe even the most basic standards of
hygiene whilst in public places. It’s a
sad indictment of homo vulgaris that we need to be reminded about the dangers of
free range sneezing, coughing or gobbing, or washing our hands after visiting
the lavatory, or resisting the temptation to scratch our bottoms, or pick our
noses. We are also advised to avoid
unnecessary bodily contact. With whom,
pray? “Sorry, darling, not tonight!”
I was visiting a client in prison
the other day. He proffered his hand for
me to shake, and I declined. “Swine
Flu,” I explained. He recoiled in
horror. “Have you got it?”
With all this publicity, nobody,
least of all the ‘dry as a sea biscuit’ professor, is telling me what are the
symptoms. The best being offered is that
the symptoms are akin to ordinary flu, but then, as I have never had ordinary
flu, this doesn’t help. I have had
influenza, a better class of malady altogether, but never the ‘flu’.
Finally, some elements of the
Media are searching for a better and more socially acceptable epithet for Swine
Flu. I agree, so why not Porcine
Influenza? If you’re going to die, then
die with dignity.
David Osborne is a successful barrister, voice actor, author, media personality and public performer. In 1991 he hit the headlines nationwide and made legal history when he delivered his final speech to the jury entirely in verse. For this tour de force he was dubbed the Barrister Bard. For more information please visit www.david-osborne.com
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