On Becoming a More Tolerant Person

The people we love and cherish more than life itself can push our buttons like nobody's business. (That expression never made much sense to me but I've always liked the sound of it.) This button-pushing fest can be especially competitive between parents and teens. Our teenagers give us that look, coupled with that attitude and we just lose it. And you don't need me to tell you that we parents sometimes do and say things that irritate the crap out of our kids.

But who's the adult here, right? It's bad enough to blow up at our own flesh and blood, but when I think about what my 'moments' taught my kids about self-control, conscious choice-making, and treating others with respect, well, I want to turn myself in to the Bad Parent Police. OK, so no parent is perfect. And we all have gone off the deep end from time to time. We need to forgive ourselves in the same way that we forgive our kids when they act crazy.

Every year of a child's life brings all kinds of never-before-seen challenges to test our parenting chops. If you haven't reached human perfection yet, you might want to try this simple process. It can help you be more of the parent you want to be more of the time. (i.e., especially when someone in your wonderful family is being soooooooo annoying!)

When a family member does or says something that grates on your nerves, ask yourself:

1. What's going on with me right now? Irritation? Embarrassment? Frustration? Boredom? Resentment? Jealousy? Identifying what you're feeling is the first step to understanding yourself and taking your hot-button reactions off automatic pilot.

2.Why is this bothering me so much? We may be least tolerant of those whose behavior reflects traits that we least like in ourselves. That's something worth thinking about when a family member starts to drive you bonkers.

3. What's my usual way of responding? How does what I typically say at these times help or aggravate the situation? Thinking clearly about your usual reactions can encourage you to explore other options. Especially if what you normally do just makes things worse.

4. What does this person need? We don't often ask this about the people who push our buttons, but if you do and you seriously consider the possible answers, negative family dynamics may start to shift. For example, does this person (my son/daughter/partner) just need someone to listen and acknowledge their feelings? Sounds like what most of us want and need at different times. So the problem may not be what the person wants, but rather their inability to ask for it directly. Bottom line: if you can figure out what they want and you can provide some or all of it, you might find a) their 'irritating' behaviors become less frequent, b) you feel more compassion and love towards them, and c) you feel proud of yourself for replacing an unhelpful response with a healthier one. Win-win.

What a healthier connection with your tween or teen? Start today with an honest conversation about the challenges all people have expressing our needs. Share with them what you learned about being part of a family from your own growing up years. Remind your kids that families are forever, but family dynamics are not carved in stone. Just because two people have always treated each other in a certain way doesn't mean they can't change. With compassion and a willingness to be honest about your feelings and your needs, you teach your children that healthy adults can continue growing in positive directions. Bottom line, just like our teens, we parents are also works in progress.

• tags:
• communication
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• family
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• relationships
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• inspiration
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• tweens
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• teens
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• anger
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• compassion

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