Nothing really eventful this week
to get one’s teeth into, or, for the linguistic purists amongst you, into which
to get one’s teeth.
The government wants to teach
children how to speak ‘proper’, a laudable aim, but too little too late. As one knows, comprehensive education has
ripped the heart out of learning, and to most teachers, it’s simply a case of
holding the line and escaping without serious injury as one day drifts
aimlessly into another. The day when an
examiner in a child’s written English test gave the unfortunate gobbler extra
marks for spelling “F*** off” correctly, sounded the death knell for the three
‘R’s’ and little pretence at serious formal education.
For my part, it’s frightening to
be right all the time, but happily for me, I’ve grown accustomed to it. I refer to my New Year’s prediction, made in
December last and set out in my article Quick by Name and Plod by Nature, that
Damian Green, the shadow immigration minister, would have all proceedings
dropped against him, and guess what? Correct. Perhaps it’s apocryphal that the unfortunately named Quick has
now resigned, and was last seen sinking below the horizon clutching his index
linked pension and a goody bag of assorted perks. So all Damian needs now is a good lawyer
[hint, hint] to draft his claim against Plod for unlawful arrest and detention
and invasion of privacy, to name but a few, and that should take care of this
year’s family holiday. I don’t know
about you, but I’ve never felt comfortable with the name ‘Damian,’ regardless
of how it’s spelt. Shades of the Omen
and the Anti Christ. But back to the
plot. I hope he joins the invisible
Jacqui Smith as a co-defendant. You
remember her? Probably not, but when
she’s not claiming expenses from the taxpayer for pornographic films and a bath
plug, she is posing as Secretary of State for Home Affairs, and let’s face it,
her home affairs make for unpalatable reading.
The ghost of Baby P haunted the
corridors of the Old Bailey this week, after the creature responsible for his
death was convicted of the rape of a 3 year old girl, and after she, now 4,
gave evidence. Unusually for me, words
fail me to describe the depths of human depravity to which this creature
stooped, but he probably got an A* for his English test at school. Question: How do you cross examine a 4 year old child and suggest that her
evidence is a tissue of lies? Answer: Not
for 40 minutes. Get in and get out.
Continuing the infant theme, a 10
year old girl suffered serious burns after exposing herself under a pay as you
tan sunbed, and will now have to avoid ultra violet light for the next 10
years. And guess what? Instead of blaming herself, her mother blamed
the machine, and is calling on the government to ban sunbeds. I can imagine this call to arms, legs and
torso will shoot up the list of the government’s priorities, along with the
credit crunch, banking irregularities, the war in Afghanistan and how to avoid an
electoral meltdown in 12 months’ time.
Question: How do you break the
habit of a lifetime? Answer: With
difficulty, if at all. News reaches me
of a cabal of minor league aspiring politicians, with their roots in Pakistan,
rigging votes in a big way by abusing the postal ballot system. It was the same system condemned recently as
“not fit for a banana republic.” These
aspiring politicians are now serving terms of imprisonment. But spare a thought for them. Back home, it’s par for the course. Corruption in that benighted country is
endemic, votes are bought and sold at the drop of a ballot paper, and as the
saying goes: “You can take the man out of Pakistan,
but you can’t take Pakistan
out of the man.”
And finally, on a more positive
note, Wolverhampton Wanderers, that iconic football team for so long the
bridesmaid and never the bride, have at last been promoted to telly land. They owe their promotion in no small part to
the loyal support of my son Rupert, who has stuck by them through thick and
thin, so well done Rupert, and come on ye Wolves.
David Osborne is a successful barrister, voice actor, author, media personality and public performer. In 1991 he hit the headlines nationwide and made legal history when he delivered his final speech to the jury entirely in verse. For this tour de force he was dubbed the Barrister Bard. For more information please visit www.david-osborne.com
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