Communication is More Than Just Words

I would like to ask you to do an interactive experiment with me for a few minutes. The word we are all going to use is "Oh." A very common word and one we use a number of times every day.

As you read through the list of situations, I will ask you to say the word "Oh." That is all there is to it, except I am also going to ask you to say it to a mirror. Pause for just a moment to really reflect on each situation before moving to the next one. Does a picture come into your mind? Be truly present in that experience. Give yourself some time to shift emotions to the next situation.

I want you to be aware of the facial expressions, tone of voice, emotions you are feeling, especially where you are feeling them in your body. Do your shoulders tighten? Are you leaning forward, or backing away? Does your heart feel light? Are you smiling? What are your hands doing? What are your emotions?

Situations that you observe or react to by just saying "Oh"
* Seeing a new baby
* Seeing something you want on sale
* Winning a prize
* Being interrupted
* Receiving a gift
* Receiving a reprimand at work
* Being put on hold again
* Seeing a sunset
* Having a headache
* Having a fender bender
* Having warm lotion rubbed on your back
* Getting just what you want on your birthday
* Getting good news from the doctor
* The sun is shining and the grass is green
* Someone saying I love you
* Getting an unexpected check
* Getting an unexpected bill
* Having your child tell you about being sad
* Being surprised
* Being afraid
* Being so angry you can't speak
* Being spiritually touched
* Seeing on caller ID your mother called
* Receiving a letter from a friend

Now try it using the words Ahh or Wow
Isn't it amazing how your tone of voice, body language, and thought pictures changed with each expression of the same word? What images came into your mind? If you had experienced that situation personally of seeing a new baby, or being spiritually touched did you have a flashback?

Could you see in your mind's eye the other players that were there at the time? Do you have any idea what they were feeling? What do you think they were thinking or feeling at the time? How did you know? Did their intentions match their actions?

Learning Empathy
Empathy is the ability to identify with and understand somebody else's feelings or difficulties. It is often conveyed in non-verbal communication or vibrations of emotions. Learning to be aware of not only the spoken, but the unspoken as well, allows you to go outside of your perceptions and gain a deeper understanding of the other point of view.

Now, ask yourself how you would feel just hearing someone else say "Oh" in each situation. Become an observer in your mind of someone you know going through these emotions. If you just came into the room, what would be your perception of their feelings? How would it make you feel? Are hearing and experiencing the whole story? Are you taking their reactions personally?

Difference Between Empathy and Pity
Empathy is a healthy reaction to another's plight. You see the situation with a detached, loving, and non-judgmental view. You may be able to offer support and asked-for advice on "their problem," or you may just need to listen as they talk.

Pity is an unhealthy assumption that you must assume ownership of "the problem" and make it yours. Pity sends a subtle message to both the parties involved that you know that best outcome. It makes the assumption that you are strong and the other party is weak.

Reading Signals Others Send Out
Can you interpret their feelings and emotions from their words? How about actions and body language? Tone of voice? Do their life experiences change the way they react to situations? Can you understand a little better why they react the way they do?

When others send out signals of emotion they impact others around them. Our emotional response radiates or vibrates out like radio waves. How those waves are accepted or rejected depends on those who witness, or are in the vicinity of, the sender. If the message they are sending is encoded as radio station 102.7 and as you turn your dial that station comes on your radio, you will get what they are sending out. If you are not right on the frequency, you will get a garbled message.

As a listener and participant, is what you got on your radio signal congruent with your taste in music? Did you understand what they were trying to convey to you? How would you feel? Would you feel empowered? Or discouraged? Did you pick up on their emotional vibrations? List some interactions you had this last week.

Message Sent Out                      Message I Received

Are you reacting to what you think they are saying?
Are your first thoughts about yourself and how the message will impact you? Do you assume that it is personal? If what you hear is not pleasing to you, do you react by changing the dial on the radio or shutting it off without listening and giving it a chance? Sometimes we set up a situation expecting a critical response, and so we anticipate it, and react without understanding that what we heard was not actually what was said.

Many radio stations change formats and sometimes we judge them by old standards. What they did and said yesterday or last year is past. That was then, this is now. We cannot fairly anticipate what communication is coming now from what we received last year, last week or even yesterday.

Can others pick up on how you are feeling or reacting? Do the hairs on the back of your neck go up just discovering that your mother is coming for a visit? When your boss calls you in the office do you become defensive and fold your arms across your chest and stand with your legs far apart, as if braced for bad news?

Smile!
Okay, bring out your hand mirror again. You will need it for this exercise. Many cognitive counselors (which means they work on present behavior and future goals, but don't dwell on what happened to you in the past) suggest smiling. That's right. Smiling! I agree and use this technique often when I am overwhelmed or stressed out.

The expressions on your face can actually send a message to your brain to register certain emotions. So look in the mirror and smile for two full minutes. It is not as easy as it sounds! However, you will soon find that anger, resentment, low energy and sad thoughts are lessened. You will feel happier with yourself and more confident about your ability to overcome obstacles by just smiling.

Explore Your Magnificence
Don't you feel lighter and more upbeat after the last exercise? Is your mind more focused on happy thought? Since your vibrational energy is up after smiling, now is the time to take a look at your positive attributes.

Everyone is an expert at something. What do you excel at? Can you find lost keys? Can you make a mean chocolate chip cookie? What can you do better than anyone you know?

Give yourself credit for what you do right:
1.___________________________
2.___________________________
3.___________________________
4.___________________________
5.___________________________
6.___________________________
7.___________________________
8.___________________________
9.___________________________
10.___________________________

Communication is More Than Just Talking
If we are sending and receiving multiple messages with a single word, multiply that by the many words and phrases said in a day. The impact of communications in relationships becomes much more complex when we realize that the spoken words are just the tip of the iceberg.

It is amazing, isn't it? Are you beginning to see how powerful words and body language is in our interactions with others? A touch is worth a thousand words. There is nothing that signifies acceptance and value as much as a pat on the back, spontaneous hug, high five or a kiss on the cheek.

Talking is only part of communications and building relationships. Your thoughts, intentions, and body language are as important, if not more so. The ability to communicate and share effectively with others is one of the most necessary skills you will ever develop.

What you think about, you talk about.
What you talk about, you bring about.
Experts agree that only 10 percent of our communication is represented by the words we say. Another 30 percent is represented by the tone of voice, and 60 percent by our body language. When your thoughts are negative or self-deprecating, you will send out that message in words and actions.

If you want to interact successfully with others and with your own subconscious, you must do so with love and understanding. Use encouraging words that motivate forward movement, rather than criticism that stops progress, and attracts more negative behavior.

No Shame or Blame
I have been teaching classes and workshops on family relations for 25 years and have heard many stories of hurtful self-images or damaging confidence that have come from supposedly well-meaning and loving family members and caregivers. Never say, "Mom doesn't like you when you whine." Or "Either you straighten up or I will leave you at the store and the police will come and take you to a foster home."

Address the problem that needs to be solved, but don't lay blame or shame on the other person. Trying to find out who is at blame and why they committed the terrible, horrible, no good rotten trick of leaving the lid off the jam jar, is a waste of time and sets up an atmosphere of avoiding responsibility.

Communicate unconditional love and separate the person from the unacceptable behavior. Just go right into the solution or what you want to have happen. "The lid is off the jam. What do we do now?" If a child knows that it is okay to occasionally mess up and that the solution is apparent, he or she will figure out the problem and assume personal responsibility. The child will probably learn to put the lid back on the jam, but it is the life lesson of confidence in his or her ability to problem-solve that is the most valuable.

Think about your feelings and the feelings of the person with whom you are communicating. Make sure your words and actions will build good will and happiness.

For more information on this subject check out Discipline Without Damage, a powerful eBook available at www.ArtichokePress.com.

Next:  Building Respectful Relationships

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