When I ask someone after they have been wronged by another why they can't forgive the person who wronged them, they often reply: "Because what they did was so awful." I then point out that if what they did was okay and not so bad there would be nothing to forgive.
Forgiving is a form of love. Like any form of love, forgiving is a practice. The practice of forgiving requires understanding what forgiving is and what it isn't. The first thing to understand is that forgiving something does not mean that you condone it. When you forgive your spouse for being impatient or thoughtless, you are not saying that you condone these behaviors. When you forgive yourself for having been impatient or forgetting an anniversary, you are not advocating these behaviors.
People often respond to this argument by suggesting that forgiving bad behavior is license to repeat the mistake. They believe that we need to withhold forgiving as a way to express our disapproval, and if we forgive someone they are more likely to repeat their offence. This is what we have been taught in our culture, but the opposite is actually true.
When we forgive we increase the possibility of change, and when we withhold forgiving, withhold our love, we increase the possibility for repeated bad behavior. You can easily witness this in the pattern that addicts often display. You have never encountered more intense remorse and guilt than that displayed by the alcoholic who got drunk and engaged in another violent episode or the gambler who once more gambled away the rent.
They are full of apology, guilt and remorse, pledging to never do it again. But if you have any experience with addictive behavior, you know to not hold your breath for things to change. I'm not saying that people can't change. I'm saying that guilt and remorse do not help and actually inhibit healthy change.
The basis for this understanding is the distinction between who you are and what you do. Being human, we all make mistakes. Making mistake does not make us mistake-makers. When you forgive someone for wronging you, you are forgiving the person, not condoning the action. Also, when you don't forgive yourself for a mistake, whether intentional or unintentional, and indulge in self-blame, you actually increase the possibility of repeating your mistake. This is because self-blame is not the same as taking responsibility.
In fact, self-blame actually leads to repeated irresponsibility. If you want to get the full discussion of how this works you can refer to the first chapter in my book, Partnership Tools: Transforming the Way We Live Together, where I discuss how blame and self-blame, or guilt, are distinct from being responsible and actually lead to increased irresponsibility and repeating the same mistakes,
So far we have discussed three of the four distinctions that empower forgiving yourself and others. First is the distinction that forgive does not mean condone. This distinction allows you to forgive someone or yourself for something without giving license to repeat it. The second distinction is between who you are and what you do. Making mistakes does not make you a mistake-maker. This distinction helps you let go of guilt and self-blame and stop blaming others, while retaining responsibility and holding others to the standard of taking responsibility for what they do. This is the third empowering distinction: blame and guilt are not the same as being responsible.
With these three distinctions you are fully empowered to become the loving, forgiving person you really are. This is easy to do with yourself. You can trust that you are committed to learning from your mistakes and understand that forgiving yourself facilitates your making positive changes. But when you forgive others there is no guarantee that they will use being forgiven to make the changes that are needed.
All we can do is trust that they can forgive themselves and learn from their mistakes.
Trusting others, however, makes us potentially vulnerable. Fortunately, most mistakes people make are not particularly serious or life threatening. But at times we are in situations when there is the danger of serious damage. This is the case when there is physical or emotional abuse or serious neglect of children.
In these situations protection becomes important. Situations with serious abuse or danger to children require stepping back from a relationship. Unfortunately, many find it difficult to step back from those we love and care about, because we confuse the fact that we love someone with being physically close and emotionally involved. We believe that, if we love someone, we have to be close to them, and we can only move away if we no longer love them. Now that's an interesting dilemma. Either you have to put up with a bad situation or let the situation eventually destroy your love so that you can step back. That sucks.
The solution is our final empowering distinction. This is the realization that love and proximity are distinct. You have the absolute right in your life to decide from what distance to love a specific someone. You can leave an abusive or even unrewarding relationship while still being forgiving and loving. You don't have to close your heart to protect yourself and your children and others for whom you are responsible. You can forgive and still be safe. I love my cat sitting in my lap. I love the tiger from the other side of the cage.
Forgiving is an act of love. And love is always about the lover and not the subject of your love. With these four distinctions you are fully empowered to realize your true loving and forgiving nature. All people want to love, and when we forgive others for their mistakes, they feel loved and cared for. They, in turn, feel enabled to be fully loving in their lives. Thus we can all live together in mutual trust and love.
Alan Konell, M.S.W. is a Certified Trainer in Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) and has a private coaching and practicing living well consulting in Chapel Hill N.C. He has led seminars for the general public, Fortune 50 companies and staffs in major teaching hospitals. In addition to leading Certification Training in NLP, he has led seminars in strategic psychotherapy, hypnotherapy, stress management and personal evolution. For more articles or to learn more, visit: www.AlanKonell.com.
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