An Idiot's Guide to American Football

Fri, 27 Feb 2009 10:37:34 EST

Thanks to the miracles of satellite and cable television, we beyond the shores of the New World are being treated to a choice of programs of global proportions, many of which are unwatchable, but a few catch the eye, and one such is American Football. This is a very macho game for boys only, unlike baseball and basketball, which are girlies’ games, better known in the Old World as rounders and netball respectively.

So for those of you who knowlittle or nothing about the game, herewith an idiot’s guide for youredification:

There are two teams, which helpsto heighten the excitement, and usually called by exotic names associated withtheir home town. So you have the TampaBay Rowdies, the San Francisco High Fives, the Minnesota Maulers and so on.

Each member of the team isdressed like the Incredible Hulk, padded out like an overpriced sofa, andtopped off with a helmet and mouth guard, making it difficult if not impossibleto follow the action.

There are as many as fifteenhulks from each team on the field of play at any one time, with another fifteenor so on the touchline waiting to come on. This depends on whether the team is in offensive or defensive mode [morelater].

There are as many as threereferees, dressed like convicts and treated accordingly, who have little redhandkerchiefs which they throw to the ground when they blow the whistle to stopthe play. All very colourful.

The purpose of the game is toreach the opponents’ end zone, known somewhat curiously as the touchdown zone,as no ‘touching down’ is required. Butno matter. When they do, they areawarded points.

The teams take turns with theball, and they try and advance up the pitch using a variety of tactics,including ‘first and ten’, ‘second and ten’ and so forth and so on. They have four attempts at advancing up thepitch, and then they must give the ball to the opposing team to try their luck.

This is the cue for a wholesale changeof team members, as the offensive pack with the ball is replaced by thedefensive pack without the ball, and the other team’s defensive pack withoutthe ball is replaced by their offensive pack, who will get the ball when it isbooted to them by the other team’s specialist kicker. His is the really cushy job, as he only comesonto the field to kick, and then scampers off before he’s flattened by theopposing team, who are now on the offensive.

The most important player on anyteam is called the quarterback, so called because he always seems to be backingoff. He also controls the plays, hatchedas they are in a huddle, where tactics are agreed. He is then given the ball, and must dosomething with it or get flattened inthe process. He can either throw it to ateam mate, a good idea, who then runs like the wind, or if totally devoid ofideas, he can run with the ball himself, a tactic not generally recommended onhealth and safety grounds.

Finally, for the red bloodedmales amongst you, each team has their own platoon of cheer leaders, leggy,luscious and lithesome girls and a veritable feast to the eye, who prance anddance to encourage their team, and who provide a welcome distraction from theantics on the field.

So there you have it, so tune in,and with the help of this guide, you’ll be an expert in no time at all.

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An Idiot's Guide to American Football