Encouragement is a Gift of Courage

Mon, 17 Nov 2008 18:14:06 EST

Encouraging words are a gift of courage. This gift is one of bravery, daring, and valor, giving you permission to take risks and to keep on trying. While it is important to give words of encouragement to others, it is vital to give them to yourself.

You are the master of your belief system and it is time to recognize that old negative thoughts are no longer serving you. It is up to you to pause along the journey of life occasionally to give yourself a pat on the back. And then another. And another.

Choose one day to make a mark on your hand every time you do something right. You will run out of space. You do much better than you think you do.
Give yourself and others the beautiful gift of encouragement. Express that message along with some "atta-boys" many times a day.

Encouragement or Discouragement of Ourselves
How do you typically define yourself? Do you tell yourself and others that you are disorganized, financially challenged or not good enough?

Why not make a list of the negative ways you describe yourself. Are the descriptions accurate or just a point of view? Look over your list of words and phrases and really think about how those definitions limit your ability to accomplish all that you deserve in life.

Reframe your Viewpoint
Words I use to describe myself The positive side of that trait

____________________________ ___________________________

If your list includes the description "disorganized," then think about how to make that a positive. Tell yourself, "It may appear to others that I am disorganized, but I realize that I have the ability to multi-task."

If your list includes the word "clumsy," then examine the reason as a rational, mature adult. Reframe the memory by saying, "Yes, it was clumsy to spill the milk when I was 10 years old, but it was an accident. It is time to forgive myself for knocking the glass over, and my father, for yelling at me.

This can be done by telling oneself, "It is time to move on and change my frame of reference. I am not clumsy now, if I ever was. I know how to put the milk away without spilling it. Besides, it was only milk and cost less than a dollar and is not worth the importance I have given it in my mind. I know now and accept that accidents happen to every one. I have allowed the thoughts of then to become a belief of now. But no more!"

Says Who?
Nobody knows Nellie, like Nellie knows Nellie.
If they don't live in your heart and head, don't let them tell you who you are, and what you accomplish.

Looking for the Gold in the Rocks

If you think you are this way Then you also have this quality
Bossy Leadership, bold, adventurous
Daydreamer Inventive, deep thinker
Stubborn Tenacious, determined, focused
Shy Self-contained, calm, listener
Pushy Determined, daring, curious
Fat A person of substance, warm, approachable, comfortable
Unattractive Unique and special
Loner Independent, resourceful
Lazy Looking for right opportunity, needs new methods of motivation

Next Time and Up Until Now
No matter how good you feel about the successes you have had and the satisfaction of trying your hardest, there will still be times when life smacks you in the side of the head. When you do a good job, feel good about it! Those thoughts will help you attract more feel good times.

When you have not been successful and you are looking for a positive message to come from a mistake, think "next time!" and decide how you will handle that kind of situation should it ever happen again.

There is a huge difference between having failed and being a failure. There is also a difference between making a mistake and being a mistake.

If you are tempted to wallow in self-pity and give yourself a negative label, instead think "up until now." Remember you are constantly changing and there is no reason to think that the way things were is how they will be in the future.

Direct your thoughts and self-talk towards those things that you feel good about having done, or the activities that you are looking forward to in the future.

Home, A Safe Harbor
The family and home can strengthen the individual members and provide a support system for the group. This is the place where, hopefully, family members, no matter how old or beaten down by experiences in life, can return for acceptance and reassurance. All too often, however, it is in the family circle where discouragement and judgment are daily occurrences.

Being a diligent finder of the good effort and stages of changes for the better will set a belief for all members of the family that they are worthy, capable, and making progress. By shifting to looking for the good and positive, you will find others responding in even more open and respectful ways.

Use encouraging words and the Law of Attraction to build a culture of mutual respect. The support system in the home will, hopefully, build confidence and lay a foundation of independence and value for all members.

Many parents tell me how much they love their children and would willingly die for them. When I ask them how often they share that unconditional affirmation of love with the children, they are surprised. They assume that children can tell they are loved because they have food on the table, a roof over their head and a parent on the sidelines of the soccer game.

However, children, especially young ones, cannot see things in abstract. They are not able to make a connection between food on the table and love. They tend to think in terms of themselves and so when Mom is cranky or Dad has a scowl on his face, they tend to assume the blame.

Never waste an opportunity to show and tell your children that your love is not dependant on what they do, but simply because they are.

Put Down vs. Pull Up Messages
To illustrate the effects of belittling comments and snide remarks among siblings, we had our son sit in a chair and pull on his sister's arm while she was standing next to him. He pulled and pulled until she too was sitting down.

Then we asked him to evaluate where their heads were in position to where they had been before. He proudly boasted, "Well, now she is the same height as I am." My husband then asked him if he was any taller. While she was now shorter in stature, he had not grown any.

Suddenly the light of understanding went on when he realized that pulling someone down doesn't build you up. His sister told him she would have willingly pulled him up to her height had he asked her to instead of resisting his actions to pull her down.

It was a powerful visual lesson that if you want to grow taller in understanding or skills, ask for a pull up, not a put down.

Powerful Positive Phrases that Promote Confidence and Cooperation
Try saying these out loud to yourself and others. Check for the reaction. Speaking and hearing positive affirmation makes both individuals and relationships stronger.
• You are so... (Good with numbers, well dressed, organized, calm in a crisis, etc.)... Personalize your positive message to really make it register in the brain. Instead of saying, "Good job" tell the listener exactly what you admire. Be specific. Women in particular like to have direct compliments, especially with skills rather than indirect praise. I love it when my husband says; "This meatloaf tastes really good. Thanks for taking the time to fix a favorite meal for me." It is much more effective than "Good dinner."

• Wow! Shazam! Bingo! Thanks a million! Any time you use facial expressions and an excited tone of voice, people will pay more attention. Dr. Craig S. Travis, Director of Behavioral Sciences at Mount Carmel Family Practice in Columbus, Ohio says that there is a physiological reason that people perk up and listen to words spoken with excitement. Something that is said as if it has an exclamation point actually registers differently on the cochlea (the part of the inner ear that receives and analyzes sound). This causes the person to pay closer attention.

• Thanks for completing the report in a timely manner! Compliment the skill, not the job. Skills are transferable and can be building blocks of confidence.

• Could you do this job? (Volunteer to help at the school, carry groceries, etc.) This is much more respectful way to ask for help or assistance than "can you" which is higher pitched and sounds almost whiney. Using the word "could" sounds more like a request and not a demand.

• Which would you rather...? Whenever we offer a "choice and a voice," it shows respect for the other person. When someone makes a choice, they also assume "ownership" of that choice.

• Please, thank you, forgive me. It is amazing how few people bother to practice common courtesy with family and friends. Courtesy is the foundation of good relationships. Treat others as you would like to be treated.

Empowerment
While it is nice to get compliments and praise, they are a one-time event, task or item. Encouragement is a process and it is transferable to other areas of life. It is an ongoing nudge to keep going and keep trying. It is also the message that you will be loved unconditionally, no matter what happens in life.

Empower yourself and others by saying "There are more ways than one to reach a goal. Look at the options and choose one. If it doesn't work out, then try another way. Once you are committed, then doors will open and the next step will appear. Just do it."

If you find yourself unable to get started because you fear you won't do it "right," then break it down into manageable parts.

If you have always wanted to paint, but were sabotaged by thoughts of "what if..." then just go buy a paint brush. Then buy a sketchbook. Then sign up for a class at Adult Education!

"What ifs" can create doom and gloom thoughts and be a real downer. Or they can be a real upper. You can shift your focus upward by rewording your self-talk.

You could say, "What if I buy all this painting stuff and I can't do it?"

Or...

"What if I really like painting?

What if I find that it is relaxing and that I really have a knack for colors?

What if I enjoy that time with my classmates every week and I find new friends?

What if the money to buy the supplies comes from an unexpected source?

Wouldn't it be wonderful if I am so good at landscapes that I start selling them at shows?"

Well, why not?

If you have ever seen one other person doing the thing that you want to do, then it means that it can be done. So, think positive, encourage yourself, and applaud your success every step of the way.

Comfort is NOT confidence.
To gain confidence, you must step out of the comfort zone and into the unknown.

Next: Correcting Others in a Supportive Way

Previous: Building Respectful Relationships

TRCB.com RSS Feed

Encouragement is a Gift of Courage