News Round

Mon, 04 May 2009 11:52:40 EST

Nothing really eventful this weekto get one’s teeth into, or, for the linguistic purists amongst you, into whichto get one’s teeth.

The government wants to teachchildren how to speak ‘proper’, a laudable aim, but too little too late. As one knows, comprehensive education hasripped the heart out of learning, and to most teachers, it’s simply a case ofholding the line and escaping without serious injury as one day driftsaimlessly into another. The day when anexaminer in a child’s written English test gave the unfortunate gobbler extramarks for spelling “F*** off” correctly, sounded the death knell for the three‘R’s’ and little pretence at serious formal education.

For my part, it’s frightening tobe right all the time, but happily for me, I’ve grown accustomed to it. I refer to my New Year’s prediction, made inDecember last and set out in my article Quick by Name and Plod by Nature, thatDamian Green, the shadow immigration minister, would have all proceedingsdropped against him, and guess what? Correct. Perhaps it’s apocryphal that the unfortunately named Quick hasnow resigned, and was last seen sinking below the horizon clutching his indexlinked pension and a goody bag of assorted perks. So all Damian needs now is a good lawyer[hint, hint] to draft his claim against Plod for unlawful arrest and detentionand invasion of privacy, to name but a few, and that should take care of thisyear’s family holiday. I don’t knowabout you, but I’ve never felt comfortable with the name ‘Damian,’ regardlessof how it’s spelt. Shades of the Omenand the Anti Christ. But back to theplot. I hope he joins the invisibleJacqui Smith as a co-defendant. Youremember her? Probably not, but whenshe’s not claiming expenses from the taxpayer for pornographic films and a bathplug, she is posing as Secretary of State for Home Affairs, and let’s face it,her home affairs make for unpalatable reading.

The ghost of Baby P haunted thecorridors of the Old Bailey this week, after the creature responsible for hisdeath was convicted of the rape of a 3 year old girl, and after she, now 4,gave evidence. Unusually for me, wordsfail me to describe the depths of human depravity to which this creaturestooped, but he probably got an A* for his English test at school. Question: How do you cross examine a 4 year old child and suggest that herevidence is a tissue of lies? Answer: Notfor 40 minutes. Get in and get out.

Continuing the infant theme, a 10year old girl suffered serious burns after exposing herself under a pay as youtan sunbed, and will now have to avoid ultra violet light for the next 10years. And guess what? Instead of blaming herself, her mother blamedthe machine, and is calling on the government to ban sunbeds. I can imagine this call to arms, legs andtorso will shoot up the list of the government’s priorities, along with thecredit crunch, banking irregularities, the war in Afghanistan and how to avoid anelectoral meltdown in 12 months’ time.

Question: How do you break thehabit of a lifetime? Answer: Withdifficulty, if at all. News reaches meof a cabal of minor league aspiring politicians, with their roots in Pakistan,rigging votes in a big way by abusing the postal ballot system. It was the same system condemned recently as“not fit for a banana republic.” Theseaspiring politicians are now serving terms of imprisonment. But spare a thought for them. Back home, it’s par for the course. Corruption in that benighted country isendemic, votes are bought and sold at the drop of a ballot paper, and as thesaying goes: “You can take the man out of Pakistan,but you can’t take Pakistanout of the man.”

And finally, on a more positivenote, Wolverhampton Wanderers, that iconic football team for so long thebridesmaid and never the bride, have at last been promoted to telly land. They owe their promotion in no small part tothe loyal support of my son Rupert, who has stuck by them through thick andthin, so well done Rupert, and come on ye Wolves.

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