The Art of Small Talk

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 12:25:13 EST

Whether you run into an ex boss or a former fellow from yourschool days, all that is usually required is light, casual conversation. Yetfor many of us, small talk is hard work. And there are times when we failmiserably.

If you have comforted yourself by saying small talk doesn't matter, thinkagain. It builds rapport and often leads to bigger things, like friendship andnew jobs. Small talk is but a misnomer. Those little conversations probablyhave more impact than any other.

In fact, people who know what to say or whento say are viewed as friendly, gracious and interesting. While some seem to beborn with this gift, it can be developed by practicing. Most of us are shy butthat doesn't excuse you. You have to make the effort. It's part of beingdecent, polite human being. Here are ten secrets of talking to anyone aboutanything.

1. Silence your innercritic

In the film Annie Hall, the characters played by Diane Keaton andWoody Allen have just met, and they're eager to impress each other. While the twotalk, subtitles flash on the screen, revealing the fears racing through theirminds. "Listen to me...what a jerk," "He probably thinks I'mstupid," "She senses I'm shallow." A clinical psychologistsays such harsh self-criticism is the most common obstacle to successful talk.If you feel there is nothing there is nothing to lose, there is no agenda; thenyou can relax and suspend the fear of judgement. That's why many of us who areable to chat easily with a stranger on an aero-plane draw blank when it comesto exchanging a few words.

2. Begin with theobvious

Your neighbour recently had a child: ask her how she is enjoyingmotherhood. Your boss's boss was just promoted: congratulate him or her and askabout the new job. You don't have to be clever. Just show you'd like totalk by commenting on the person's interest or whatever it is you have incommon. No matter how tenuous it may be. When you don't have anything in commonor when you both are just killing time, it is perfectly acceptable to talkabout weather. What if the person gives only grudging one word responses? Takethe hint. It means he or she wants to be left alone. But don't take itpersonally.

3. Compliment carefully

Follow up a compliment with care and intelligence. Avoidpotentially troublesome areas, such as a person's physical appearance. Yourcomments, however well intended, may hurt and, worse, there's usually noappropriate comeback. Don't compliment a person about something controversial.Avoid it.

4. Use friendly bodylanguage

A quick way to end a conversation before it even starts is to foldyour arms, lock your face into a grim expression and dart your eyes. Whetheryou mean it or not, you appear uninterested or aloof. Instead, make eyecontact, keep an open posture and smile. Body language speaks before you do. Ifyou send out friendly messages, you get back friendly messages.

5. Turn the spotlighton others

We have all been bored by the proud parents who talk on and onabout their wonderfully talented child, never bothering to ask us about ourequally special child. At some point the person who is talking has anobligation to turn the conversation round and ask, "How are yourchildren?" People will think you are fascinating if you get them to talkabout themselves." Ask questions. Discover the person's interests. If youdo not understand what he or she is talking about, say so. People are usuallyso flattered by your interest that they don't notice if your questions are notbrilliant.

6. Listen

You are at barbecue, trapped in conversation with a bore. What doyou do? Listen closely for a nugget to explode. Even boring people have passionyou can learn from. If that fails, small-talk expert ask "What do you meanby that?" to encourage the other person. Or they nod in agreement and say"Oh, that must have been very exciting," or "It sounds as ifthat was tough for you."

7. Keep it light

Traditionally, etiquette experts have warned against controversialtopics. While talk of personal illness, money woes and marital problems shouldstill be avoided, nowadays politics is usually considered standard small-talkfare.

8. Give equal time

You are at a dinner party and have spoken to the man on your leftfor ten minutes. Do you owe the woman on your right equal time? If shelooks bored, common courtesy require that you involve her in your conversation.We all have been in that uncomfortable situation of being ignored. Even if youwant to continue talking to someone, you have to be considerate of the otherperson beside you. I might say something to the first person such as "I amsorry I've been monopolizing you. Your other companion should have the chanceto talk to you too"

9. Have a sense ofhumour

The most important tool for any effective small talk is sense ofhumour. But humour should be objective, not subjective, if it to be effective.Even the most gracious and considerate people sometimes say stupid, offensiveor insensitive things. If you're the butt of such "humour", shrug itoff. The person is probably not mean-spirited, just unaware.

10. Make your exit

You have suffered through that kitchen conversation. Or theconversation has simply wound down. How do you move on without being insulting?Simply, excuse yourself during a lull, saying you need a drink or want to sayhello to someone else. On the other hand, do not drag the conversationneedlessly. Take a lead in making exit before the other person can do so.The more you practice small talk, the better you'll get at sensingwhat is appropriate. This is the real secret of small talk. Very often peoplewho avoid small talk imagine everyone else is a sparkling conversationalist.Everyone else is snot sparkling, they are just connecting.

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The Art of Small Talk