Whether you run into an ex boss or a former fellow from your
school days, all that is usually required is light, casual conversation. Yet
for many of us, small talk is hard work. And there are times when we fail
miserably.
If you have comforted yourself by saying small talk doesn't matter, think
again. It builds rapport and often leads to bigger things, like friendship and
new jobs. Small talk is but a misnomer. Those little conversations probably
have more impact than any other.
In fact, people who know what to say or when
to say are viewed as friendly, gracious and interesting. While some seem to be
born with this gift, it can be developed by practicing. Most of us are shy but
that doesn't excuse you. You have to make the effort. It's part of being
decent, polite human being. Here are ten secrets of talking to anyone about
anything.
1. Silence your inner
critic
In the film Annie Hall, the characters played by Diane Keaton and
Woody Allen have just met, and they're eager to impress each other. While the two
talk, subtitles flash on the screen, revealing the fears racing through their
minds. "Listen to me...what a jerk," "He probably thinks I'm
stupid," "She senses I'm shallow." A clinical psychologist
says such harsh self-criticism is the most common obstacle to successful talk.
If you feel there is nothing there is nothing to lose, there is no agenda; then
you can relax and suspend the fear of judgement. That's why many of us who are
able to chat easily with a stranger on an aero-plane draw blank when it comes
to exchanging a few words.
2. Begin with the
obvious
Your neighbour recently had a child: ask her how she is enjoying
motherhood. Your boss's boss was just promoted: congratulate him or her and ask
about the new job. You don't have to be clever. Just show you'd like to
talk by commenting on the person's interest or whatever it is you have in
common. No matter how tenuous it may be. When you don't have anything in common
or when you both are just killing time, it is perfectly acceptable to talk
about weather. What if the person gives only grudging one word responses? Take
the hint. It means he or she wants to be left alone. But don't take it
personally.
3. Compliment carefully
Follow up a compliment with care and intelligence. Avoid
potentially troublesome areas, such as a person's physical appearance. Your
comments, however well intended, may hurt and, worse, there's usually no
appropriate comeback. Don't compliment a person about something controversial.
Avoid it.
4. Use friendly body
language
A quick way to end a conversation before it even starts is to fold
your arms, lock your face into a grim expression and dart your eyes. Whether
you mean it or not, you appear uninterested or aloof. Instead, make eye
contact, keep an open posture and smile. Body language speaks before you do. If
you send out friendly messages, you get back friendly messages.
5. Turn the spotlight
on others
We have all been bored by the proud parents who talk on and on
about their wonderfully talented child, never bothering to ask us about our
equally special child. At some point the person who is talking has an
obligation to turn the conversation round and ask, "How are your
children?" People will think you are fascinating if you get them to talk
about themselves." Ask questions. Discover the person's interests. If you
do not understand what he or she is talking about, say so. People are usually
so flattered by your interest that they don't notice if your questions are not
brilliant.
6. Listen
You are at barbecue, trapped in conversation with a bore. What do
you do? Listen closely for a nugget to explode. Even boring people have passion
you can learn from. If that fails, small-talk expert ask "What do you mean
by that?" to encourage the other person. Or they nod in agreement and say
"Oh, that must have been very exciting," or "It sounds as if
that was tough for you."
7. Keep it light
Traditionally, etiquette experts have warned against controversial
topics. While talk of personal illness, money woes and marital problems should
still be avoided, nowadays politics is usually considered standard small-talk
fare.
8. Give equal time
You are at a dinner party and have spoken to the man on your left
for ten minutes. Do you owe the woman on your right equal time? If she
looks bored, common courtesy require that you involve her in your conversation.
We all have been in that uncomfortable situation of being ignored. Even if you
want to continue talking to someone, you have to be considerate of the other
person beside you. I might say something to the first person such as "I am
sorry I've been monopolizing you. Your other companion should have the chance
to talk to you too"
9. Have a sense of
humour
The most important tool for any effective small talk is sense of
humour. But humour should be objective, not subjective, if it to be effective.
Even the most gracious and considerate people sometimes say stupid, offensive
or insensitive things. If you're the butt of such "humour", shrug it
off. The person is probably not mean-spirited, just unaware.
10. Make your exit
You have suffered through that kitchen conversation. Or the
conversation has simply wound down. How do you move on without being insulting?
Simply, excuse yourself during a lull, saying you need a drink or want to say
hello to someone else. On the other hand, do not drag the conversation
needlessly. Take a lead in making exit before the other person can do so.
The more you practice small talk, the better you'll get at sensing
what is appropriate. This is the real secret of small talk. Very often people
who avoid small talk imagine everyone else is a sparkling conversationalist.
Everyone else is snot sparkling, they are just connecting.
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